Cancer SUCKS

I couldn’t figure out why I’ve been an emotional wreck today but then it hit me. I’m still reliving the last 5 months my Grandma had. On January 1st she found out she had Cancer. Way to start 2008 right? I’ve alway heard the stories where they were able to live years after being diagnosed but I wasn’t ready for the fact that she’d have 5 months. I felt robbed. To top it off in February Jeff had his back surgery and she had started her Chemo. I was such a mess that I started having allergic reactions to the stress (hives) and then on top of the hives I had panic attacks as well. Of course it was horribly worse because I didn’t know what was going on and the ER was no help. Then I’ll never forget how excited she was when she called me in March to tell me the cancer was shrinking … little did we know that while it was indeed shrinking it was spreading as well. Then in April it was all a blur. I remember feeling hurt, scared, sad, and robbed. I knew it was all going to change but I didn’t have anyone to catch me when it fell apart. Jeff (though he regrets it) didn’t see that spending every moment with her was anything other than morbid, and it didn’t help he was depressed because he was unable to do anything but lay in bed (in moderate pain) from his back surgery for 6 months and he was the only one that was bringing a check in before the surgery) Looking back we could’ve both handled it differently but I won’t lie and say that didn’t make me look at him a different way. I was resentful to him over that for almost 2 years. She did so much for us and him that it made me very hurt he would disrespect all that. It’s been 3 years since she passed away (well 3 years May 2nd) and I won’t lie it’s still a mess. It’s the honest reason that I started blogging because I needed an outlet to get it out. I was the one checking on my ‘mother’ & sister making sure everyone was okay with what happened but who was there to ask me if I was okay or just catch me when my whole world crumbled down. I was left feeling isolated, alone, scared and VERY depressed. I put myself into a whole and still haven’t climbed all the way out yet. It’s hard I still feel isolated from people and other than Jeff and Owen I don’t talk to many people. There are awkward exchanges on Facebook with family I use to be so close to. I just want it to go back to normal. My grandma was more than my grandma, she was my mother, my advice giver, my wound fixer, my idea board, and the biggest one of all my believer. If you ask her I was going to be this amazing doctor lawyer that was going to make her tons of money … as she winks and nudges me with a smile. I miss her laugh, her corny jokes, I even miss the fact that she’d get so irritated when ever we’d correct her on mispronounced words. I miss going to her house knowing what a family felt like ….. I miss having a family. I miss not feeling alone, empty and all zombiefied. She was my superhero … my saving grace when I needed the most but deserved it the least. She was suppose to always be here for me.