Today seems like an ordinary day right? Well for you and you over there it may be, but for me it’s a very special day. Today is the birthday of my guardian angel, the one lady I miss more than anything I can ever imagine. Today would’ve been my beautiful Grandma’s 73rd birthday. She was an amazing lady that I just miss everyday. It’s almost 4 years and it still feels like just the other day I was sitting at home waiting for my mother to come over and tell me the horrible news that my Grandma had Cancer. I still remember the day she called in March so very excited because it was shrinking …. or so we thought. I still remember the last day I got to spend with her before she spent the last of her days in a morphine induced coma.
We talked about a lot of things, shared so many laughs and while she slept I may or may not have shed some tears. She wasn’t only my grandma but my mother, my confidant, the person I could always turn to, and the person that was always there to give me a pick up when I needed it most …. which lately seems to be all the time. I think that’s what I’ve had the hardest time adjusting to. I don’t have someone telling me I’m doing a great job with O or that what my passions are, are outstanding. I feel like I don’t have anyone believing in ME anymore and honestly it’s hard to believe in myself when I feel so alone. I found this quote once in a book that reminded me so much of how this is big live moment is changing me and reminds me that I feel stuck in the middle of the change:
Death changes the living. Grief is the journey you take from the person you used to be to the person you will become
I know in my heart that she wouldn’t want me to feel this way and it hurts because well I don’t know how to get out of this funk that I’m in. But I guess taking it one day at a time is about all I can do. It’s one of those situation where I feel like I’m in a permanent haze from a too late nap. Like the family we use to have and having my grandma as the important person she was in my life, was just a dream that I want to keep going back to sleep to enjoy. I will say that I found in these last 3.5 years that she was even more amazing and special than I even knew. She covered up so many of people’s imperfections and flaws. I use to joke that she was the glue that held our family together and I didn’t realize how true that really was. Sadly it’s like we’re not even a family anymore and my brother said it so very well in his letter, we have family all over that doesn’t talk and no one really knows why. Being a step-child (even when I was never treated like a step-child) AND a biological “father” that didn’t want anything to do with me, I have always felt lost out in limbo and that I didn’t fit in anywhere with our family. She helped me not feel that way, so when she left me so quickly I wasn’t only in shock from it all but shell-shocked on how to fit into my new life that I still feel so invisible to the world and my family. I know it’s going to take time and with a little nudge/push from my guardian angel that things will get better …. I just have to be strong enough to take that first leap.
Happy birthday Grandma. We miss you more than you would even imagine.
creativelyb 
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