Happy Birthday Grandma

Today seems like an ordinary day right? Well for you and you over there it may be, but for me it’s a very special day. Today is the birthday of my guardian angel, the one lady I miss more than anything I can ever imagine. Today would’ve been my beautiful Grandma’s 73rd birthday. She was an amazing lady that I just miss everyday. It’s almost 4 years and it still feels like just the other day I was sitting at home waiting for my mother to come over and tell me the horrible news that my Grandma had Cancer. I still remember the day she called in March so very excited because it was shrinking …. or so we thought. I still remember the last day I got to spend with her before she spent the last of her days in a morphine induced coma.

We talked about a lot of things, shared so many laughs and while she slept I may or may not have shed some tears. She wasn’t only my grandma but my mother, my confidant, the person I could always turn to, and the person that was always there to give me a pick up when I needed it most …. which lately seems to be all the time. I think that’s what I’ve had the hardest time adjusting to. I don’t have someone telling me I’m doing a great job with O or that what my passions are, are outstanding. I feel like I don’t have anyone believing in ME anymore and honestly it’s hard to believe in myself when I feel so alone. I found this quote once in a book that reminded me so much of how this is big live moment is changing me and reminds me that I feel stuck in the middle of the change:

Death changes the living. Grief is the journey you take from the person you used to be to the person you will become

I know in my heart that she wouldn’t want me to feel this way and it hurts because well I don’t know how to get out of this funk that I’m in. But I guess taking it one day at a time is about all I can do. It’s one of those situation where I feel like I’m in a permanent haze from a too late nap. Like the family we use to have and having my grandma as the important person she was in my life, was just a dream that I want to keep going back to sleep to enjoy. I will say that I found in these last 3.5 years that she was even more amazing and special than I even knew. She covered up so many of people’s imperfections and flaws. I use to joke that she was the glue that held our family together and I didn’t realize how true that really was. Sadly it’s like we’re not even a family anymore and my brother said it so very well in his letter, we have family all over that doesn’t talk and no one really knows why. Being a step-child (even when I was never treated like a step-child) AND a biological “father” that didn’t want anything to do with me, I have always felt lost out in limbo and that I didn’t fit in anywhere with our family. She helped me not feel that way, so when she left me so quickly I wasn’t only in shock from it all but shell-shocked on how to fit into my new life that I still feel so invisible to the world and my family. I know it’s going to take time and with a little nudge/push from my guardian angel that things will get  better …. I just have to be strong enough to take that first leap.

Happy birthday Grandma. We miss you more than you would even imagine.

Wordless Wed — Remembrance

4 whole months…

Wow, it’s hard to believe that four months ago my entire world was flipped upside down. It’s even harder to believe that in 2 short months it’ll be the half way point to the first year. it’s so hard to even think about, yet at the same time it’s all i can think about. I thought I was doing so good with it, but it’s still so hard. It has taken me to a dark place where I haven’t been in a long long time….a place I’m trying so hard to dig my way out of but with everything else falling apart around me, it just isn’t happening.

I knew the day that she would leave this earth that my family as I knew it would fall apart, but i didn’t think it would be like this. I remember that night as if it was last night. I remember my mom and uncle getting in a HUGE blow out, trying to figure out what is going on and process everything else on top of the fact that my grandma would be passing that night. It was a tough spot for me to be in because they are all three important people in my life…yet I knew if i lost one, i’d slowly lose the other. Grandma was the glue that held it all in place. She was the one i could come to and she knew how to help me with what ever situation it was, or how to handle my mother.

I haven’t talked to my uncle since after the funeral. It’s sad because he lives not that far away but i just can’t bring myself to pick up the phone and call them….or anyone. I can’t call my grandma’s house because i know that if i do, i’ll have a mind slip and ask my grandpa to talk to my grandma. I know it’s not fair to my grandpa to isolate him like that but I try to call him but i get the number half dialed and spazz out and hang up…..same with my uncle.

then there is my mom……where to start with that, I’ve just given up on her and me. it’ll never be as close as my sister and hers relationship is and i just need to accept that and move on…..I’ll be a lot happier….it’s just getting that process going that is a pain.

Well i’m balling my eyes out and can’t see the screen and O’s asking if i’m alright so I guess it’s time to end this…blah.