30 Days of Truth — Day 14 & 15

Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)

Well this one is a little tricky  because I can’t say I’ve been let down by a hero. I’ve looked up to my grandparents for strength to get through everything in life. They are who I’m afraid to let down or even disappoint. Though I can’t say I know of a time off hand that. I’ve spent most of day 14 thinking this over and honestly still have this little bit. Must be why it didn’t get posted on time.

Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

This one is simple. I could easily say Oj because that is true to a point, I’ve never tried to live without him and I hope I never have to. No the answer that I’m going with is my other half, the Mr. that I’ve been through hell and back with …. J. I have left 4 different times in the 6 years we’ve been together and each time I come back. I would say before that it was cause of Oj and to a point this is true. But from April – June I spent the 3 months living with my grandma, sister, her 2 babies, and occasionally Oj while we waited the 6 months Il law requires for a non contested divorce. It was on J’s birthday that I offically told him that I was wrong. I couldn’t do this anymore and I needed him in my life. It wasn’t just because we’ve spent our whole (short) adult life together or because we have a child together. He’s my other half and gets me like no one else ever probably could. I’m not perfect or anything like that but he doesn’t care. I realized the problem of all of it and it was we didn’t know how to allow the growth we were naturally doing as individual people to meld together with the growth of parent hood and marriage. It’s not perfect but it’s a daily work in progress that I know is right for me. I love him and definitely don’t want to be without him ever again.

30 Days of Truth – Day 13

(Just a clarify these are affiliate links from Amazon I wasn’t paid for this post but felt the need to link to songs I was referencing. Also they are adult contented songs so you’ve been warned) 

  Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)

Dear Eminem,
I have to say that you’ve been a big part of what pulls me through some days. I know this sounds weird given your type of music but it’s true. Like everything with my grandma that I’ve been feeling I can turn on a track off of your Recovery album (which hasn’t come out of the cd player since I bought it) and start feeling better doing better to make sure I am making my grandma proud.

Then there is everything with my husband. I know 25 to Life and Love the Way You Lie we can really relate to. We’ve had a rocky almost 6 years of marriage and while we’ve tried to move on and let go, we keep coming back for more. It’s hard to give up something that was such a huge part of our short adult lives and having a child together doesn’t make it any easier. It’s almost comforting to have the lyrics that you do because it helps get those frustrations out in a more ‘positive’ way. Instead of hitting each other or what not we’ve been known in the past to blast some Eminem songs until we calmed enough to talk to each other like adults.

Finally there is my mother. She’s a crazy lady and songs like Cleaning Out My Closet and Evil Deeds are something that I just relate to in my own way to my insane mother and father. It reminds me that even though they are my ‘family’ I do NOT have to give in and turn out just like them. I can over come their negative and be a better person.

One last note I have to say that Not Afraid is a song that I think EVERY person can relate to even if they are not a fan of your lyrics. I know I heard this song right before I decided I needed to break free from this marriage and decide what was best for me. This lines:

And I just can’t keep living this way
So starting today, I’m breaking out of this cage
I’m standing up, I’ma face my demons
I’m manning up, I’ma hold my ground
I’ve had enough, now I’m so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now! (now)

 are the lines that spoke out the most to me and helped me see that I WAS doing the right thing, that it WAS okay to be selfish about this and if I wasn’t happy nothing in my life was ever going to be as well. So I want to thank you for making your music and telling your story. For what it’s worth it’s helped this semi small town ‘kid’ feel as if she wasn’t alone in her semi screwed up world.

Sincerely your (not as creepy) biggest fan,
Brandy H.

30 Days of Truth – Days 11 & 12

Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

I would easily have to say my personality. It’s that quirky and random type that will poke fun at herself while walking through Walmart taking random pictures of things. J says I embarrass him but well that’s just me. I don’t care if people stare at me or think I’m weird, I’m Brandy and that’s what you get. I don’t change me for nothing. I babble and spurt random things at random moments because something random reminded me of it. I don’t care if my socks don’t match or that you don’t like me. I only get one shot at life and I don’t want to spend it trying to be someone I am not.

Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.

Honestly I’m not sure really. I’ve been sitting here for an hour trying to think about this one and I don’t know. I could be shallow and say that I’m pretty. Sure J tells me this occasionally (lol) but since I’ve suffered with horrible acne since I was in the 5th grade (well end of 5th grade) I’ve been VERY self conscious of what my face looks like and hearing that I’m pretty or beautiful takes some time to get use to hearing. I may act like I don’t believe you when you tell me but honestly deep inside it makes me feel all warm and tingly.

30 Days of Truth – Day 10

Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

This could easily be a few people that I knew from middle school. Though thankfully I don’t speak to them anymore. Another person was another former bff B. We lost touch after graduation and then reconnected a couple years later. It took me about a year to realize that it was a toxic friendship when she spent more time dogging on J than I did (when we were at our worst). I suppose it would be okay if I WAS the one to bring it up but when she started it, it made me think she needed to lay up or step out. The final straw was when she broke up with this mutual friend that we set her up with. Ironically it was the one night I wasn’t up til 4 am and wanted to snuggle with J. I wake up to my cell phone being blown up and a voice mail saying how I was a crappy friend because I was never there when she needed me.

That right there set off my anger because just last month I was getting yelled at by J who was getting yelled at by his mom cause I was going over minutes talking to B when she had some problems. To make matters worse the same morning I find the voice mail she just shows up at my house acting like nothing happened and there was no nasty voice mail. That was when I knew the cords needed to be cut. I wasn’t going to be degraded like that because one time I wanted to do something for me or my family.

30 Days of Truth – Day 9

Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

The one person that I thought of instantly was my bff through most of High School (Freshman year til 1st half of Senior year) H. During high school I wasn’t really allowed to do normal kid things because I was the one at home watching my sister and brother while my mom and dad worked or what ever they did. It sucked but me and H were so much a like it didn’t matter. Pretty much she was the Patrick to my Spongebob lol. I think that was one of the main things that drew us together, we were a lot a like. Then senior year we got into a huge teenage hormonal fight that I started. I felt us drifting away and I didn’t know how to stop it and quite frankly it scared me. I guess I had already lost (in some sense) the two people that were suppose to be there to care for me and support me the most, why did it matter if anyone else did. So I guess I intentionally sabotaged the friendship and nitpicked in a jealous fashion. It’s a hard pill to swollow when I start thinking about that stuff because we were through a lot together; boy problems, parent problems, and even when I was at my lowest with my depression (to cutting myself) a point where all my mom did was threaten to get me help, she was still by my side and I threw it all away over something stupid. I tried to make amends before we graduated but it seemed awakward and I’m no good with awkward. The relationship that was there before was tarnished and it was a quick lesson in things can’t always be the same I suppose.

30 Days of Truth – Days 8

Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

Sadly the only two people that come to my head are my ‘parents’. My biological father was never around and up until about the age of 15 I was always feeling down about it and even just seeing him in stores or other public areas sent me into a panic and fear of why he didn’t want to be around me and I fully believe that he played a big part into my low self confidence growing up. Also I don’t remember much of my childhood but there are a few specific memories I’ll never forget. I remember riding on the city bus and him telling me to pull the stop thingy and when I did he scolded me for it acting like he didn’t tell me to do it. Or the time him and my Uncle got into a huge fight at my grandparents house … though that one may be because of the hole in the bathroom door lol. Also I remember walking a lot to this lady’s house he was seeing (and has sense married) and while I don’t remember what she looks like if you drive past that area I can pin point exactly what house was hers. All of this happened when I was 3-5 years old and honestly those are only some of the memories I can recall. Obviously those years you’re not going to remember much but my memory is shot unless something jogs oddly enough.

Now if you’re a faithful reader of CreativelyB than you’ll know how much a you know my mother has been in my life. I don’t know if it’s sadder that she segregated me against my younger half siblings (though normally I just call them my sister and brother) or the fact that my grandma covered her tracks for her in how she treated me. I don’t know maybe because my grandma and paternal grandparents were ALWAYS there for me when I needed someone (even at itty bitty age from what I’ve been told) that she didn’t have to be there for me or what but it sure never made me feel very good. I mean here I have my biological father that ‘didn’t want me’ and I get the same feeling from my own mother. Sure makes a girl feel like she’s worth something right?

30 Days of Truth — Day 6 & 7

(since I’m ahem behind and some are short answers we’re combining them lol)

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

 

I hope that I never have to bury a child. I have a few friends that have had to do this and I can’t imagine how much pain that brings. I know that these ladies are VERY strong and for this reason alone are women that I look up to in a time where I feel like I’m at my lowest point. It’s something NO mother should have to do but for those that do I send out a lot of hugs because I don’t know what I’d do in that situation.

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.

This is an obvious answer and that is Oj and my sister’s girls. Oj has just been a breath of fresh air ever since I was blessed with him almost 6 years ago. Even though I had him at 19 I know I was given this gift to help improve my life. Since being out of school it’s been one up and down after another. I know that if I hadn’t of had Oj around after losing my grandma I don’t think I would’ve come out as strong as I have been. He’s not only been my distraction but my proof that while it hurts, life goes on and I have to join it as well. My sister’s baby girls are just amazing as well. I love those 2 little girls like they were my own and lately I think they would consider Oj their brother if you ask them lol! Like Oj they are breath of fresh air and I am glad we’ve been blessed with them in our family.

30 Days of Truth: Day 5

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.

I think this is another easy one. Without a doubt I want to adopt. I’ve said since I knew how babies came out that I wanted to adopt (mainly cause well it’s painful and I can be a wimp with pain lol). yet even after having Oj I still want to adopt. I know that some laws in states vary so I need to look up what they are in my state. I know this one is short today but honestly I don’t know anything else that means something important to me that I hope to do someday other than this. The only other two things that stand out the most to me that I’d like to do in my life would be go to Paris (my most favorite city since I was little) and attend a WWE WrestleMania live. This is like THE pay-per-view events if you’re not a wrestling follower and it’s something I know would be the best thing ever. Hopefully we get to go in the next couple years as a family. So short and sweet today.

30 Days of Truth: Day 4

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

So if you noticed I screwed up and mixed up day 3 & day 4, so we’re just going to chug along and I’ll do day 3 today lol, and this one is easy, I even got confirmation on this one this week so that helps even more. What I have to forgive myself for would be the guilt I feel about my grandma. After we lost her I felt, and still do feel, like I let her down, that I could’ve spent more time with her and that I could’ve been there from the start when she needed me the most. I was terrified to see her like this, I didn’t finally GET what was going on until the end of March/beginning of April when she was in her lowest point. It all happened so fast I just didn’t know how to process it.

I know she understood and she didn’t want us to make a big deal out of it. I remember the first time I walked into the hospital when she was being admitted and not sure if she’d make it home … I knew what to expect, my grandma’s sister went through leukemia and while I never saw her without a scarf on I knew what to expect … except I didn’t (and I won’t put up the photos don’t worry). I wasn’t around my aunt a lot and it was a different reaction than when I saw my grandma. It wasn’t the beautiful woman I knew, the hero I looked up to. Seeing her in the bed with most of her hair gone it became real …. she was dying of Lung Cancer. It made it real that I had to live my life without her and I wasn’t ready to accept this. I still remember the times she’d call and I didn’t have time to sit and talk for hours or stop for a visit so I  let it go to voice mail ….. now if I knew what I knew now I would’ve answered the phone more, I would’ve made MORE time to see her. Of course there are so many things I would’ve done again, and so many things I know she’d forgive me for not doing.

I was reminded of this (and why I said it would be an easy answer) because my son’s best friend’s grandma (lol) reminds me SO much of my grandma it’s not funny. I get lost in conversation with her and sometimes forget that I’m talking to someone else’s grandma and not my own. It’s also an interesting note that EVERY day I’ve seen some kind of butterfly floating around Owen for a good 3 minutes and then it comes and sits on a flower by the bench I sit on in the playground. Say what you want but I know that’s her. I know she’s here and I even know I saw her sitting on the couch on his first day of school. Out of the corner of my eye I swear I saw someone sitting here talking with their hands … I know it was my grandma and I hope she knows how much I love and miss her because I just don’t know when it’s going to get easier, I guess I’m still trying to live my life without her and I just don’t know if it’s possible.

So to close this out I want to remind you of the clique to ALWAYS tell those that mean so much to you how much they mean and spend all the time you can because you just NEVER know …. and even if you do know (like my grandma and her cancer) you’re never prepared for it.

30 Days of Truth: Day 3

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive someone for.

This could really go a lot of ways. I have quite a few people that I am either holding a grudge on or just flat out NOT talking to. The big one would probably be … I don’t know what to call her, technically she’s my mother but that is a word that I don’t think she’s shown very much of being so why call her that? I haven’t talked to her in almost 2 years, why still call her that. 

I am so sick of people telling me “Oh you have to forgive her she’s family”  Why? She doesn’t act like family, so why do I have to keep being the bigger person? I can only be the bigger person before I reach my point of not caring anymore. I just got tired of feeling worthless and it wasn’t worth it at all, not when Oj was given the same treatment … that’s where I draw the line.